Choosing FAITH over Fear

Hello beautiful soul! 

While talking on the phone with my mom last December, I felt a peanut size growth near my jaw hinge, just below the front of my right ear. Instant fear initially set in, but I then chose not to allow that fear to take hold of me until I found out what it was. I later learned (after being examined by my surgeon) it was a tumor in my parotid gland. I remember half-listening to the words coming out of his mouth, while trying to calm my breathing, telling myself, “it’s ok”, “you got this”, “be strong”. Hearing that surgery was my only option, that the tumor is in a “delicate” place near all my facial nerves, the words “facial paralysis”, re-learning how to chew and talk scared the s*&t out of me!! My mind was racing. “What am I going to look like?” “What if it’s cancerous?!” I could feel the tightness in the pit of my stomach, my body began to sweat, and my mind sped off on a rollercoaster ride of all the “what if” scenarios. I got home that day, made a cup of hot tea, wrapped myself in a blanket on the couch and began to process and cry it out.

I know the feeling of fear all too well. Fear is a natural, powerful, and primitive human emotion. It alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological. Sometimes, fear stems from real threats, but it can also originate from imagined dangers. I clearly remember encountering fear at an early stage in life. I was 4 ½ years old and living in Iran. My dad came home one day and told my mother we had to leave everything behind and move to America. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I remember seeing and feeling the fear in my parents’ faces. I felt it all over my body. I became anxious and that set the tone for most of my childhood. Fleeing my home country, leaving all possessions behind, and trying to adapt to a culture that didn’t accept me during that time was really hard. What was even harder was that we never talked about it. We held everything in. The fear festered like a parasite through my entire family and the worst-case scenarios would come up and paralyze my every decision.

And this is where Faith comes in. As a child, I was also forced to go to Sunday school. I didn’t always believe the teachings, but the word Faith always seemed to stand out when reading about fear. I remember a prayer I learned. I recited every night before I went to bed and I still recite it every day.

Oh GOD guide me, protect me.
Illuminate the lamp of my heart and make me a brilliant star.
Thou art the mighty and powerful.

It’s a prayer that got me through the toughest times throughout my life. In the midst of the fear, I often called upon GOD and the light in my heart to carry me through any situation. And as often as I called upon my Faith in GOD (and light within myself), it has always overcome any fears. Lately, I’ve been saying this prayer more often and although I’m not yet out of the woods (with still some uncertainty surrounding my health), my FAITH is stronger than ever before. I will continue to process all the feelings. I will continue to find the gratitude in every step of the way. I have complete FAITH that everything will be okay.


Sending so much love,

Dena